LOST DREAMS

As 29 comes lurking around the corner I am able to look at my life and feel truly blessed. I have a wonderful and supportive husband, crazy lovable dog, a home I adore, and a network of family and friends I wouldn't trade for the world. But something doesn't sit right. I know my life will never be a simple straight line where I cruise along blissfully oblivious to the problems and plight of others, and that there will always be a kink or 2 in the chain, but this is a 5 year kink that is starting to wear on my heart a little more than usual lately. My job. Bleh, even saying the word job adds to the pit in my stomach. No it's not a career, it's a job. It's nothing that I am proud of, it pays the bills and has a few perks here and there, but it's a job.

I never wanted just a job. I remember being a kid and having HUGE dreams. I wanted to write a book about my sister, I wanted to be a lawyer or an orthodontist, then there was the landscape architect phase and the post college art teacher pilgrimage I went on. When I was young I wanted to wear suits and be a powerful career woman, I wanted to do big and powerful and good things. I knew I was smart enough to do it, that never stood in my way, but somehow in college I became an artist. I was happiest when I was making something, even if I wasn't one of the CRAZY talented students (seriously, one just did the special effects for Iron Man 3, no lie). I also fell oddly in love with retail in college. I ADORED working for Victoria's Secret and to this day would still love a retail job if it didn't mean nights, weekends and holidays. So how did I get here? Sitting at a desk in a law office with 2 co-workers? How did I lose my first job and why have I flopped around so much since while my husband has had the same one he loves for the last 11 years? Guess we are all different.

As I casually look for a different position, I feel like my heart isn't in it. "I could do that" I say a lot, knowing my drive wouldn't be pushing me forward, rather a feeling of sustainment for my family would be the force. So I sit and assess my positive attributes wondering exactly what position will fill this void, what will take the lump out of my throat and the pit out of my stomach. And I don't have an answer.

I do know that God will provide. I will not be at this desk forever. Something will come along and I will feel the rush and excitement of a new job again. That I am sure. But most of all I need to dream again. I need to do something uniquely me, I need a new goal, I need something inspiring that I love to work towards. I need those feelings I had as a kid knowing I could do anything I wanted, to fill my spirit again. I'm not sure when my life will change and where the path will go, but I will keep the faith. God always provides. Not always in the way I plan, but He does.