As I said, I felt like everything was falling apart this summer. Greg would probably tell you August was the worst of my sadness and I am sure that had a lot to do with another year of our birthday's passing as well. The good news is change was on the way and it was 100% a God thing.
When I graduated college I secured my first job and was promptly laid off six weeks after starting. It was 2008 and the advertising world was feeling the crunch of the recession BAD. I was part of a 30% lay off company wide and that event definitely changed the trajectory of my career. In those six weeks I was just starting to get my feet under me with a couple of big projects and the lead on one of those was Sandy. She was amazing, full of joy and positive energy, you couldn't help but like her. She was a great project lead and just when we were in the thick of becoming good friends, we both got laid off. Go figure right?!Over the course of the last eight years Sandy and I have kept in touch off and on. We met for coffee a few times, did a yoga class together, got our dogs together once but nothing consistent by any means.
While in the pit of my despair this summer I thought I should look for a new job and lo and behold there were some postings at a place I knew Sandy worked so on a whim I reached out asking her to meet me for a lunch date so I could grill her about the company. Little did I know how much that lunch would change my perspective on everything. When we met for lunch we caught up as much as one can in an hour, talked jobs and as we were leaving Sandy exploded in joy and told me she was expecting twins! I was so happy for her, we talked about all of the excitement surrounding their arrival and briefly about her road to get there, which wasn't easy by any means. My reaction to hearing her story was immediately to well up and begin crying big painful tears. I was so embarrassed because those tears weren't for her and her road to pregnancy, but for me and mine.
Man, she took that moment and totally wrapped me in grace. She said, "Somethings wrong isn't it?" I shook my head yes, overwhelmed by tears. She said, "This is bigger than a talk at lunch isn't it?" Again I nodded and with that she invited me to her house that Saturday to talk more. It was like this wave of of relief was washing over me again and again and I could not stop crying. I cried the entire drive back to the office, in the parking lot and finally at my desk. I FINALLY found someone to talk to about all of this, someone who was going to really GET IT and I was just overcome with emotion.
I headed over to Sandy's for coffee and breakfast goodies a couple of days later and we enjoyed a beautiful cool fall day, it was September 12th. We made small talk and then got in to the meat and potatoes of our visit and I cried and she cried and it was one of the most healing moments of my life, and I believe it was absolutely 100% orchestrated by God. I mean I met Sandy by chance 8 years ago, we kept in touch off and on but always had a great connection and looking back that's because God knew I would need her down the road in a big way. We talked about infertility, and what we had both been through. I told her about my IVF concerns and she gave me her thoughts. She gave me spreadsheets of medication comparisons and told me I could do it, that I was strong enough and gave me enough encouragement to not want to give up, especially on God. She agreed that the Dr. we both were seeing was a total jerk and told me to be more assertive towards him. She told me about failure and the beautiful success of her twins coming in the Winter. She told me about the moment everything changed for her and I knew I was having a bit of that moment myself talking to her, that my journey was not over, I needed to keep on trekking forward.
Toward the end of our visit Sandy told me about a bible study group she was leading at the church she was involved with and invited me to come. She told me about this set of prayer warriors at the church that were all old enough to be my parents and possibly even my grandparents and that they were amazing, I just had to go she said. I was skeptical, a bible study with a bunch of older ladies that I know nothing about? Prayer warriors? I am not the demographic they are looking for. I am broken and my trust in God has been in a valley not a peak. But I agreed. What a group of ladies I was about to meet...
Thursday, March 17, 2016
Friday, March 4, 2016
FEELING THE WEIGHT OF IT ALL
If you are keeping track of this all we are officially 2 years and 8 months in to trying to get pregnant and I was at what I will call my tipping point.
When Greg and I met he was 31 and I was 26, we were married at 32 and 27 and turned 33 and 28 just a few months later. While I in no way felt old at this time, it was hard not to notice that Greg's best friends from college each had 3 kids (and one has since added 2 more to their brood) and his niece and nephew were already something like 4 and 7. I could see how much he loved those kids and like a lot of wives probably feel I wanted to start our family so he could have that at our house. Greg turned 34, 35 and then 36 and I met 29, 30 and 31 (in a super un-graceful and ugly way I might add). I hated my birthday. I felt like year after year there was this reminder I hadn't been able to give him the only gift in the world I wanted to give him. I bought a Father's Day card for him one year that I had a late period (something that women struggling through this dread, the LATE period) around that time and then ended up throwing it away. I contemplated how to tell him over Christmases and Birthdays and Anniversaries that "it" finally happened, but those days never came. It was heartbreaking, it was excruciating for me. Greg however was a champion with a capital C. He always was telling me that "we" weren't getting pregnant, that nothing was my fault that he was in no rush but I was in too deep by this point. I was certain all of this was my fault and I was the sole reason we didn't have a baby. I mean honestly I had thought we would be expecting our second child by now so there was that looming over my head too. I felt like I had never failed at anything in my life but I was failing my husband, the love of my life in the worst possible way. I recall thinking some nights, if Greg had met someone else he would be a dad by now, I hope he doesn't regret marrying me because he hasn't gotten to start that chapter yet.
As I was wrestling with all of those lies daily we ran into a roadblock that I internalized as a sign from God that we weren't going to be starting a family the way we thought, that there was another plan in place. After the first 3 failed AI's we talked about InVitro. I started researching the process and how much it was going to cost us since we had no help from insurance for any of this and were paying 100% out of pocket for everything. I had remembered in brief conversations with our doctor that the clinic offered a plan to those not covered by insurance that they could pay a flat fee that essentially was 3 IVF cycles for the price of about 1.5 IVF cycles. Under this plan if your first IVF failed (there is only a 40% chance of success with one embryo and 60% with two implanted) you would be eligible for up to two more cycles that year for no additional cost. Let me tell you the cost savings with this plan are close to $40,000 should you need to go through 3 full IVF cycles, so yeah, pretty significant we can all agree. As I headed to the website of the clinic to learn more about this option I couldn't find any information, it was so weird, I knew I had just seen the link. I made some phone calls and sent some emails and found what I felt at the time was the worst news in the world, they had just discontinued the program that month. My heart sank. We had just failed 3 AIs, and had been trying on our own for 2 and a half years, what seemed like our next step had just been yanked away from us as we would now have to consider throwing all of our eggs in one basket with IVF and if it failed we would be out close to $20,000 with nothing to show for it. I lost it. I cried and cried. I yelled at God asking why this was all happening and felt like I just wasn't meant to be a Mom. Again, Greg my level headed better half said we would figure it out. We would start saving and if we wanted to try IVF ever we would make it work. He was always so damn confident in God and not giving up and I was a puddle waiting to evaporate away from it all.
After hearing that news was when we decided to move forward with our second set of 3 AIs (they were only $425 a pop so 100% worth trying) and would begin to save for IVF in the event it ever was needed. Since we were potentially looking toward IVF in the future we consulted with the doctor again to learn about the process. This consult sent me even deeper in to my pit of sadness. I learned of how people have to make choices about embryos that might not get used, I heard about countless shots and success rates that didn't sound very successful. My head was spinning and my church didn't seem to have any answers. My friends were all so supportive and kind but none of them had been through this and didn't know what I was going through or how we had potentially huge choices ahead of us. Was this process playing God? What about genetic testing? If we do that I am absolutely playing God right .... or aren't we? God give us science as a gift, right?! Speaking of God WHERE IS HE?! Why can't I hear Him?! WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?!
Help ..... I need help ... can anyone help me? PLEASE!
I had a couple of panic attacks in bed at night, I had terrible body image issues going on, I had no motivation to do anything, I was treating Greg like crap. Something had to give, and it did. I had lunch with an old co-worker Sandy one day. It was the day everything started to change.
When Greg and I met he was 31 and I was 26, we were married at 32 and 27 and turned 33 and 28 just a few months later. While I in no way felt old at this time, it was hard not to notice that Greg's best friends from college each had 3 kids (and one has since added 2 more to their brood) and his niece and nephew were already something like 4 and 7. I could see how much he loved those kids and like a lot of wives probably feel I wanted to start our family so he could have that at our house. Greg turned 34, 35 and then 36 and I met 29, 30 and 31 (in a super un-graceful and ugly way I might add). I hated my birthday. I felt like year after year there was this reminder I hadn't been able to give him the only gift in the world I wanted to give him. I bought a Father's Day card for him one year that I had a late period (something that women struggling through this dread, the LATE period) around that time and then ended up throwing it away. I contemplated how to tell him over Christmases and Birthdays and Anniversaries that "it" finally happened, but those days never came. It was heartbreaking, it was excruciating for me. Greg however was a champion with a capital C. He always was telling me that "we" weren't getting pregnant, that nothing was my fault that he was in no rush but I was in too deep by this point. I was certain all of this was my fault and I was the sole reason we didn't have a baby. I mean honestly I had thought we would be expecting our second child by now so there was that looming over my head too. I felt like I had never failed at anything in my life but I was failing my husband, the love of my life in the worst possible way. I recall thinking some nights, if Greg had met someone else he would be a dad by now, I hope he doesn't regret marrying me because he hasn't gotten to start that chapter yet.
As I was wrestling with all of those lies daily we ran into a roadblock that I internalized as a sign from God that we weren't going to be starting a family the way we thought, that there was another plan in place. After the first 3 failed AI's we talked about InVitro. I started researching the process and how much it was going to cost us since we had no help from insurance for any of this and were paying 100% out of pocket for everything. I had remembered in brief conversations with our doctor that the clinic offered a plan to those not covered by insurance that they could pay a flat fee that essentially was 3 IVF cycles for the price of about 1.5 IVF cycles. Under this plan if your first IVF failed (there is only a 40% chance of success with one embryo and 60% with two implanted) you would be eligible for up to two more cycles that year for no additional cost. Let me tell you the cost savings with this plan are close to $40,000 should you need to go through 3 full IVF cycles, so yeah, pretty significant we can all agree. As I headed to the website of the clinic to learn more about this option I couldn't find any information, it was so weird, I knew I had just seen the link. I made some phone calls and sent some emails and found what I felt at the time was the worst news in the world, they had just discontinued the program that month. My heart sank. We had just failed 3 AIs, and had been trying on our own for 2 and a half years, what seemed like our next step had just been yanked away from us as we would now have to consider throwing all of our eggs in one basket with IVF and if it failed we would be out close to $20,000 with nothing to show for it. I lost it. I cried and cried. I yelled at God asking why this was all happening and felt like I just wasn't meant to be a Mom. Again, Greg my level headed better half said we would figure it out. We would start saving and if we wanted to try IVF ever we would make it work. He was always so damn confident in God and not giving up and I was a puddle waiting to evaporate away from it all.
After hearing that news was when we decided to move forward with our second set of 3 AIs (they were only $425 a pop so 100% worth trying) and would begin to save for IVF in the event it ever was needed. Since we were potentially looking toward IVF in the future we consulted with the doctor again to learn about the process. This consult sent me even deeper in to my pit of sadness. I learned of how people have to make choices about embryos that might not get used, I heard about countless shots and success rates that didn't sound very successful. My head was spinning and my church didn't seem to have any answers. My friends were all so supportive and kind but none of them had been through this and didn't know what I was going through or how we had potentially huge choices ahead of us. Was this process playing God? What about genetic testing? If we do that I am absolutely playing God right .... or aren't we? God give us science as a gift, right?! Speaking of God WHERE IS HE?! Why can't I hear Him?! WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?!
Help ..... I need help ... can anyone help me? PLEASE!
I had a couple of panic attacks in bed at night, I had terrible body image issues going on, I had no motivation to do anything, I was treating Greg like crap. Something had to give, and it did. I had lunch with an old co-worker Sandy one day. It was the day everything started to change.
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
FAIL x 6
Before I head into what the next 8 months of our lives looked like in 2015 I have to share a link to a phenomenal article I read online today called, "Why Am I Not Supposed To Tell You I’m Trying To Get Pregnant?" If I could write in this blog the way my head replays our story it would be written like that article. I don't think that you could hit the nail on the head better than the following two paragraphs.
As I mentioned in my first post, 2015 was punctuated with loss for Greg and I. I have never attended so many funerals in a year and I have never experienced grief the way I did in 2015 before. It was a slippery slope indeed. So keep that in mind as you read everything else that was going on as well. Now I am not asking for a pity party, we got through it, but man it was a rough patch.
After our appointment in February we decided to move forward with the process of intrauterine insemination (IUI) or as most people have heard it referred to as artificial insemination (AI). I jokingly refer to it as the "turkey baster" method, so you can put that all together mentally on how it works. Very glamorous indeed. So February was our first shot at the AI and it didn't go so hot. For most people this is a 3 minute process or less start to finish. Ours included at least 30 minutes of poking and prodding, or should I say stabbing because that is what it felt like. Finally the nurse called in a back up who thought I might have a bend in my cervix that was causing the issue. I responded with, "Great, so now there is a brick wall that is preventing the goods from getting to where they need to go?!", she told us it was more like a sharp 90 degree turn they needed to navigate. #annoyed. After that debacle you wait two weeks and take a test, ours was a negative and I was of course bummed out and proceeded to drink a 1/2 bottle of wine.
March was an instant replay of February, and April went a bit better because we had a fantastic nurse who navigated the maze of my cervix with ease. We were super hopeful with April .... only to return with a negative test yet again. After 3 failed AI's I was really down. We met with the doctor again and talked about what comes next and why the AI's weren't working. I described the troubles the nurses were having but the doctor didn't think he needed to be present for any of it which was incredibly frustrating. He suggested moving on to In Vitro Fertilization but since we had two bad AI experiences we decided to go for another round of three.
We took May off as a mental break from it all and resumed three more AI's in June, July and August. I'll just cut to the chase and tell you they all failed as well. June, July and August were all ugly months. Lots of anger, tears, questions, fears but most of all for me the looming feeling of failure. The summer my heart was heavy with the loss of my dad's best friend and Greg's grandpa. I could wrap my head around Grandpa but Gary was a different story. I'll do my best to talk about the dark and uncontrolled feelings I had in my next post.
I need to talk about this because I need to get it off my chest, but also because I need people to talk to me about it. Of course, my husband and I discuss it all the time, but I need something from outside the bubble of our relationship, too. And when I think about the mind-spinning I’ve gone through when I’ve revealed it in the past, I realize my concern wasn’t actually about me. So someone’s going to know my husband and I are having semi-scheduled, tactically-timed sex. Who cares? They’re going to know I’m not 100% happy all the time. So? They’re going to find out there’s some potential that something strange is going on with my luteal phase or with my husband’s sperm count or something. I truly don’t give a fuck.
What I have been giving a fuck about, I think, is how everyone else feels. I’m concerned not because they’re going to know a secret about me, but because that secret might make them uncomfortable. I’m freaked out that they’re going to have to experience my sadness secondhand, or that they’ll feel awkward not knowing what to say, or that they’ll start worrying that this might happen to them someday. This isn’t about protecting my feelings — it’s about protecting everyone else’s.Can I get an Amen?! That is real you guys, that is as real as someone can get to trying to describe the messed up thinking that we go through when you are trying to do something you have absolutely no control over. Good stuff. But enough talk about that let's talk about the horrible year that was 2015.
As I mentioned in my first post, 2015 was punctuated with loss for Greg and I. I have never attended so many funerals in a year and I have never experienced grief the way I did in 2015 before. It was a slippery slope indeed. So keep that in mind as you read everything else that was going on as well. Now I am not asking for a pity party, we got through it, but man it was a rough patch.
After our appointment in February we decided to move forward with the process of intrauterine insemination (IUI) or as most people have heard it referred to as artificial insemination (AI). I jokingly refer to it as the "turkey baster" method, so you can put that all together mentally on how it works. Very glamorous indeed. So February was our first shot at the AI and it didn't go so hot. For most people this is a 3 minute process or less start to finish. Ours included at least 30 minutes of poking and prodding, or should I say stabbing because that is what it felt like. Finally the nurse called in a back up who thought I might have a bend in my cervix that was causing the issue. I responded with, "Great, so now there is a brick wall that is preventing the goods from getting to where they need to go?!", she told us it was more like a sharp 90 degree turn they needed to navigate. #annoyed. After that debacle you wait two weeks and take a test, ours was a negative and I was of course bummed out and proceeded to drink a 1/2 bottle of wine.
March was an instant replay of February, and April went a bit better because we had a fantastic nurse who navigated the maze of my cervix with ease. We were super hopeful with April .... only to return with a negative test yet again. After 3 failed AI's I was really down. We met with the doctor again and talked about what comes next and why the AI's weren't working. I described the troubles the nurses were having but the doctor didn't think he needed to be present for any of it which was incredibly frustrating. He suggested moving on to In Vitro Fertilization but since we had two bad AI experiences we decided to go for another round of three.
We took May off as a mental break from it all and resumed three more AI's in June, July and August. I'll just cut to the chase and tell you they all failed as well. June, July and August were all ugly months. Lots of anger, tears, questions, fears but most of all for me the looming feeling of failure. The summer my heart was heavy with the loss of my dad's best friend and Greg's grandpa. I could wrap my head around Grandpa but Gary was a different story. I'll do my best to talk about the dark and uncontrolled feelings I had in my next post.
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