If you are keeping track of this all we are officially 2 years and 8 months in to trying to get pregnant and I was at what I will call my tipping point.
When Greg and I met he was 31 and I was 26, we were married at 32 and 27 and turned 33 and 28 just a few months later. While I in no way felt old at this time, it was hard not to notice that Greg's best friends from college each had 3 kids (and one has since added 2 more to their brood) and his niece and nephew were already something like 4 and 7. I could see how much he loved those kids and like a lot of wives probably feel I wanted to start our family so he could have that at our house. Greg turned 34, 35 and then 36 and I met 29, 30 and 31 (in a super un-graceful and ugly way I might add). I hated my birthday. I felt like year after year there was this reminder I hadn't been able to give him the only gift in the world I wanted to give him. I bought a Father's Day card for him one year that I had a late period (something that women struggling through this dread, the LATE period) around that time and then ended up throwing it away. I contemplated how to tell him over Christmases and Birthdays and Anniversaries that "it" finally happened, but those days never came. It was heartbreaking, it was excruciating for me. Greg however was a champion with a capital C. He always was telling me that "we" weren't getting pregnant, that nothing was my fault that he was in no rush but I was in too deep by this point. I was certain all of this was my fault and I was the sole reason we didn't have a baby. I mean honestly I had thought we would be expecting our second child by now so there was that looming over my head too. I felt like I had never failed at anything in my life but I was failing my husband, the love of my life in the worst possible way. I recall thinking some nights, if Greg had met someone else he would be a dad by now, I hope he doesn't regret marrying me because he hasn't gotten to start that chapter yet.
As I was wrestling with all of those lies daily we ran into a roadblock that I internalized as a sign from God that we weren't going to be starting a family the way we thought, that there was another plan in place. After the first 3 failed AI's we talked about InVitro. I started researching the process and how much it was going to cost us since we had no help from insurance for any of this and were paying 100% out of pocket for everything. I had remembered in brief conversations with our doctor that the clinic offered a plan to those not covered by insurance that they could pay a flat fee that essentially was 3 IVF cycles for the price of about 1.5 IVF cycles. Under this plan if your first IVF failed (there is only a 40% chance of success with one embryo and 60% with two implanted) you would be eligible for up to two more cycles that year for no additional cost. Let me tell you the cost savings with this plan are close to $40,000 should you need to go through 3 full IVF cycles, so yeah, pretty significant we can all agree. As I headed to the website of the clinic to learn more about this option I couldn't find any information, it was so weird, I knew I had just seen the link. I made some phone calls and sent some emails and found what I felt at the time was the worst news in the world, they had just discontinued the program that month. My heart sank. We had just failed 3 AIs, and had been trying on our own for 2 and a half years, what seemed like our next step had just been yanked away from us as we would now have to consider throwing all of our eggs in one basket with IVF and if it failed we would be out close to $20,000 with nothing to show for it. I lost it. I cried and cried. I yelled at God asking why this was all happening and felt like I just wasn't meant to be a Mom. Again, Greg my level headed better half said we would figure it out. We would start saving and if we wanted to try IVF ever we would make it work. He was always so damn confident in God and not giving up and I was a puddle waiting to evaporate away from it all.
After hearing that news was when we decided to move forward with our second set of 3 AIs (they were only $425 a pop so 100% worth trying) and would begin to save for IVF in the event it ever was needed. Since we were potentially looking toward IVF in the future we consulted with the doctor again to learn about the process. This consult sent me even deeper in to my pit of sadness. I learned of how people have to make choices about embryos that might not get used, I heard about countless shots and success rates that didn't sound very successful. My head was spinning and my church didn't seem to have any answers. My friends were all so supportive and kind but none of them had been through this and didn't know what I was going through or how we had potentially huge choices ahead of us. Was this process playing God? What about genetic testing? If we do that I am absolutely playing God right .... or aren't we? God give us science as a gift, right?! Speaking of God WHERE IS HE?! Why can't I hear Him?! WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?!
Help ..... I need help ... can anyone help me? PLEASE!
I had a couple of panic attacks in bed at night, I had terrible body image issues going on, I had no motivation to do anything, I was treating Greg like crap. Something had to give, and it did. I had lunch with an old co-worker Sandy one day. It was the day everything started to change.
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