As we entered 2014 I still had a lot of confidence that THIS would be the Christmas we would have a family. However, the months passed, we had no success and my spirits had begun to dip. Greg was wonderful. He was the one who was absolutely confident that we were going to be able to get pregnant and have a baby, he never seemed to falter and always was the positive one. I on the other hand Googled, fretted and thought more and more about alternative ways we were going to have children. As the Summer passed we made the decision to see a specialist here in town. Unfortunately there aren't really any choices when it comes to fertility clinics in Iowa so we made an appointment at the only one available.
Before our first appointment I was scheduled for a hysterosalpingogram (HSG). Say that one 5 times fast. Essentially with this procedure I had a dye injected into my uterine cavity and then an x-ray is taken that allows assessment of both the fallopian tubes and the uterine cavity. Here they are looking for any blockages in the fallopian tubes or abnormalities in the uterus itself. The dye did take awhile to flow through the fallopian tubes but when we met with the doctor, this test came back all negative. Now for most folks a negative is a good thing, but you will find that when you go through infertility negative test results are really quite frustrating, or at least they were for me. It's like thinking you may have the answer in your hands and BAM, nope, nothing wrong here. You'll understand more as you read along.
After the HSG came back negative we talked through our health history with the doctor and moved on to the next phase of testing, this time for Murph. His numbers were solid and the one spot where they were a bit off the doctor wasn't too concerned about. I was really happy about this because when infertility issues lie within the male, your options are very limited. Our doctor also had a very strong inkling that I was dealing with endometriosis but the only way to confirm is to have a laparoscopic procedure done. Endometriosis is essentially a spiderweb of scar like tissue that grows on the outside of the uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries and bowels. Because it can grow around these organs it can cause damage to the egg as it releases from the ovary and travels through the fallopian tubes. If the procedure indeed did find this excess tissue he would remove it that day. We decided to proceed and I was scheduled for the outpatient surgery the next week.
This was my first experience with anesthesia and I was pretty anxious about it but the surgery went just fine and thanks to Greg and my parents I was very well taken care of. I did have a hard time waking up and experienced a terrible bout of nausea in conjunction with a ton of shoulder pain (due to a gas they fill your abdomen with) but all in all fared quite well. The doctor explained that I had between stage 3 (moderate) and stage 4 (severe) endometriosis and an endometrioma (a benign estrogen-dependent cyst) that he drained on one of my ovaries. We were instructed to try again on our own for the next three months and if nothing had changed to come back for the next stage of treatment.
So we did just that. I experienced a month or so of hopefulness but quickly fell back into a state of thinking this just wasn't going to work either. Greg continued to be my rock and never gave up, confident we would get pregnant, which was a welcome attitude to have in our home at the time. But three months later there we were sitting in the doctor's office again come February of 2015.
At this point we were two years into trying to have a baby. I couldn't believe it, how could all of that time had passed? I knew this was incredibly short compared to so many other's journeys but for me it felt like a lifetime had passed. This was when we entered the beginning stage of my hardest days.
Friday, February 26, 2016
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
RADIO SILENCE
If you are reading this I won't lie, I am amazed. After almost two years of silence you kept me hanging around? Wow, you are a good friend indeed!
I don't really know how to describe why I went "off the air" per se, without really putting a lot of myself out there so I will most likely do that because I know I want to have a record of it all. But today I will begin with a summary.
The past two years of my life looking back was a sad time, or maybe it's better to say I was sad a lot. I've never really gone through sadness like it before and I had a hard time handling it off and on. I wouldn't say I was depressed, but I had some bouts of it for sure with the Summer of 2015 being the worst of it all. I was blind to a lot of the joy around me and felt like I was trapped in thick, deep mud. I wasn't sinking, but I wasn't going anywhere either. I just sat in my sadness, helpless and unable to move but wanting out so badly. I think that was the worst part, wanting to be happy but just having a deep hole in my heart that I couldn't fill and no one could fill for me.
The year 2015 seemed to host a sadness that would never end. In January, Greg unexpectedly lost an uncle to a massive heart attack. Upon hearing the news his uncle's mother passed away only 18 hours later. We attended our first and hopefully last double funeral. In June, my father's best friend was tragically killed in a tractor rollover accident and our family grieved again. We are still wrestling with the loss of Gary, he was the closest thing my Dad had to a brother and it has been hands down the hardest death for me to cope with ... ever. In August, we lost Greg's Grandpa Don. His health and memory had been declining over the last year and while it was incredibly sad to say goodbye we were both comforted knowing he spent a wonderful 92 years on this Earth. Finally in January of this year we lost my last grandparent, my Grandma Mary. That one is still hard for me, she was one of my very favorite people but she got to spend 96 years here and I am convincing myself I can't be sad about that.
While death seemed to punctuate 2015 in an all too regular way for us the real heartache for me was life, or rather our inability to create it. That being said, I probably should backtrack a bit. On January 4, of 2013 I made a rare journal entry. "Today is the day Greg and I decided to start our family!" That year I was quite certain we would have a baby in our arms to share with our families for the Holiday's. Months passed and it became clear that would not be the case for us, but my attitude was pretty good overall, I knew it was God's plan for us to have a family one day so I was in pretty high spirits. By August I thought I may need to see a doctor to talk about potential hiccups that might be preventing our family from starting, I wanted to know if there was anything we should be doing differently. I went to a super popular OB-GYN here in town and had the worst experience with a doctor ever. I left the office in tears feeling like my struggle was not a struggle at all and that I was a fool for even showing up only 8 months into trying. My prescription was to "relax and have a few glasses of wine". In fact this appointment affected me so deeply that I would shake off any desires to see a doctor for almost the next 14 months for fear I was imagining that we weren't getting pregnant and that there were other people out there that were REALLY struggling.
2014 came and my frustrations amped up a bit. We were officially through one full year of trying to start a family. Much conversation ensued and together we decided to keep trying without medical assistance. I think this is where my feelings of inadequacy and uncertainty probably began. Were we not supposed to be parents? Why did we want it so bad then? We were created to do this, why is it being withheld from us? We wouldn't begin to find out the answers to some of our questions until the Fall of 2014. More on that to come ...
I don't really know how to describe why I went "off the air" per se, without really putting a lot of myself out there so I will most likely do that because I know I want to have a record of it all. But today I will begin with a summary.
The past two years of my life looking back was a sad time, or maybe it's better to say I was sad a lot. I've never really gone through sadness like it before and I had a hard time handling it off and on. I wouldn't say I was depressed, but I had some bouts of it for sure with the Summer of 2015 being the worst of it all. I was blind to a lot of the joy around me and felt like I was trapped in thick, deep mud. I wasn't sinking, but I wasn't going anywhere either. I just sat in my sadness, helpless and unable to move but wanting out so badly. I think that was the worst part, wanting to be happy but just having a deep hole in my heart that I couldn't fill and no one could fill for me.
The year 2015 seemed to host a sadness that would never end. In January, Greg unexpectedly lost an uncle to a massive heart attack. Upon hearing the news his uncle's mother passed away only 18 hours later. We attended our first and hopefully last double funeral. In June, my father's best friend was tragically killed in a tractor rollover accident and our family grieved again. We are still wrestling with the loss of Gary, he was the closest thing my Dad had to a brother and it has been hands down the hardest death for me to cope with ... ever. In August, we lost Greg's Grandpa Don. His health and memory had been declining over the last year and while it was incredibly sad to say goodbye we were both comforted knowing he spent a wonderful 92 years on this Earth. Finally in January of this year we lost my last grandparent, my Grandma Mary. That one is still hard for me, she was one of my very favorite people but she got to spend 96 years here and I am convincing myself I can't be sad about that.
While death seemed to punctuate 2015 in an all too regular way for us the real heartache for me was life, or rather our inability to create it. That being said, I probably should backtrack a bit. On January 4, of 2013 I made a rare journal entry. "Today is the day Greg and I decided to start our family!" That year I was quite certain we would have a baby in our arms to share with our families for the Holiday's. Months passed and it became clear that would not be the case for us, but my attitude was pretty good overall, I knew it was God's plan for us to have a family one day so I was in pretty high spirits. By August I thought I may need to see a doctor to talk about potential hiccups that might be preventing our family from starting, I wanted to know if there was anything we should be doing differently. I went to a super popular OB-GYN here in town and had the worst experience with a doctor ever. I left the office in tears feeling like my struggle was not a struggle at all and that I was a fool for even showing up only 8 months into trying. My prescription was to "relax and have a few glasses of wine". In fact this appointment affected me so deeply that I would shake off any desires to see a doctor for almost the next 14 months for fear I was imagining that we weren't getting pregnant and that there were other people out there that were REALLY struggling.
2014 came and my frustrations amped up a bit. We were officially through one full year of trying to start a family. Much conversation ensued and together we decided to keep trying without medical assistance. I think this is where my feelings of inadequacy and uncertainty probably began. Were we not supposed to be parents? Why did we want it so bad then? We were created to do this, why is it being withheld from us? We wouldn't begin to find out the answers to some of our questions until the Fall of 2014. More on that to come ...
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